65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
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If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?