Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*