6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
You Might Also Like
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
The Eggorcist
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.