6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
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BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of