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Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave