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I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people