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Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing