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Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
#merica
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.