Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work