6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.