6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
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Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”