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If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass