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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you