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My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval