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at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
😭😭😭
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”