66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
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Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
That’s amazing.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’