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Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
just left a huge legacy in there
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.