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soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
5 ways to appear taller
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom