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If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
This is me
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.