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Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?