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16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
huge if true: the moon
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
🍛
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.