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in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!