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Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.