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People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I’m not proud
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*