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If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Morning.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.