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My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
felt that
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.