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[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My five year plan is a meteorite