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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
What even happened today?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Just as the prophecy foretold
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much