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Batman v Dracula
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
british sex workers really pound for pound
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
No chill.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Yep.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I need to sieze this.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?