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I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.