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ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
Stop sending me this shit.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
