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Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.