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[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Sex so good you see dead people.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.