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I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
john wicks are toilet candles
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
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.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
LOOOOOOL
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Bruh
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.