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There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
The future is now.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!