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Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper