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AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Hitlers gonna hitl
my fav colour is also hitler
