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my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first