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Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.