You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
My biological clock is wheezing.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me