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Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!