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I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
old twitter is back baby
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)