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I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
water it, i dare you
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Your honor these allegations are
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
ME (calling my horse with no name):