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When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
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Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Blew my mind.
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Weighing up my bread heating options
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My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.