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If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk