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Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*