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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.