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surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier