You Might Also Like
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
everyone has that one prude friend
![]()
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
![]()
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.