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‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!