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You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.