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“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train