You Might Also Like
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
😆this is so true
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”