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Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Check your privilege
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
when she block me on everything
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?