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(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
*mops up wine with cat*