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once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.