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I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
this is 10/10 content no notes
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?