You Might Also Like
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon