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gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
our love story in four pictures
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.