You Might Also Like
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages