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British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
why no one uses midhusbands
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.