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I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
This sounds bad:
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!