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FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
The French word for sex is croissant.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*