You Might Also Like
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
