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Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Lunatics are gonna loon.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
The internet is magic sometimes.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.