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Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”