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I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son