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I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.