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My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
whatcha thinkin bout
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.