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Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
🤣🤣🤣
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
