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The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Dear Lord..
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.